Grief and rewriting my past

So in the last few years , I have thought about the word Grief, quite a lot.  When our daughter was diagnosed with Autism it reared its head because someone said its ok to grieve a little, as things may be tougher for her and in turn for us as parents, now over time that grief goes, the more I see her thrive and the more we understand what she needs, its now turned to admiration as I see how she handles things, sure there are still bad days but we all have them so I'm proud of how she has found something she loves - Dancing- which is her big brothers love too and in the past was mine so its brilliant to see, and how she now speaks up for herself in situations- it makes me proud.

But in the last while I have thought about how I grieve a little for things I have struggled with in the past.  I have to say that had i still been in work and had that strong routine, I wouldn't have time to think about it, but that's not the case so i cant help it. I now know I wasn't lazy on the occasions i didn't want to do things , I wasn't trying to be awkward when the hyperness (yes not a word but you get the idea) set in, I was just DIFFERENT.

I think a bit about the sad days when I let my mind run wild and how I would  blame myself because I replayed scenarios in my head about how I ruined things- I still do it now at times, but now I understand it and most important society understands it. I was lucky to have a family growing up that no matter what happened when the shit hit the fan we pulled together- and my quirks were seen as that. I know when i was growing up ADHD and ADD was not ' a thing' so there wasn't the same supports as now.

If I was growing up now would the support be there-Yes and that probably would make life easier. Every time I heard 'why can't you just' not has a context, every time i replayed that scenario in my head and it made me upset and yes there were times I sat on my own and cried, sometimes at home sometimes when i was out and about, but it now has context- A late diagnosis rewrites your past.....I can now understand it. For all the times I thought I was just the problem, it wasn't mas as much it was was was controlling me at the time.

There is no blame to pass around and this is not what its about, I started this to put thoughts down so maybe some friends or family would understand what is going on when I am quiet or when i do go off to another room for 10 minutes, or the opposite when I have to go for a walk as I need a dopamine hit and maybe its lashing rain outside- Its just about helping some others understand it- And realize I'm still trying to understand it.

I have said this before I'm so lucky to have a wife who has stuck by me, I don't know how many people would have stayed around , and the example that stands out is when we were dating and I could be in her family home and i would get up and go to another room to be on my own leaving her and her family there, she never really questioned me on it and her parents and siblings never challenged me on it, but now we know I just needed a reset and a bit of downtime, and I still do this at home.  I don't know what movie its from but to quote it, she is my 'True North' and I feel very lucky to have her, even if I do add to her problems at times.

For my own family, some of this will be new as I didn't explain too much to them about how I felt growing up- I hope it doesn't change too much with them- I don't need to be handled with kid gloves( as I'm typing I can feel myself welling up- another of my ADHD traits), I need them to still be the ones that when we get together we can have a joke and a laugh like we see each other every day, when in fact we don't and it can be months but they know they just need to send up the bat signal and if I can help I will.    With ADHD its very much ' out of sight, out of mind' its an executive function that is a struggle- this is not an excuse but fact so if I do reach out its important you know at that time, in that moment you are important. 

That was all tougher to write then I expected but its now making me realize that I don't need need to beat myself up for not adding things here all the time, il do it when I need to and when I feel that its beneficial to me and others.

I cant rewrite the past but I can rewrite how I feel about it. I will grieve for the kid that struggled but I will champion for the person I am, and its making me think I need to champion more for my daughter too.